Running From Grace

We’ve all seen him. Dancers walk past his table. Waitresses have his drink order memorized. Normal regular customers who are in to see their favorite ladies feel like they are having a case of de ja vu every time they come in. I call him the toxic regular, the guy that is at the strip club every night, does not buy dances, and tries to be everyone’s friend. Every club I have ever worked at has had atleast one of these guys and I just want to scream in his face “GO HOME! YOU ARE A WASTE OF EVERYONE’S TIME!” That would be really mean though. But seriously, how could a person not have anything better to do seven days a week from 9:00 pm to 1:00 am? Sleeping is always nice. What about spending time with friends or creating something like a poem or a painting? I know dancers are beautiful but we must get boring after a while. Last night, I accidentally sat next to our toxic regular and he proceeded to try and get to know me. Our conversation went something like this…

TB- “Hi hun. How are you doing tonight?”
P- “Fine. You?”
TB- “Would you like a drink?”
(He is offering me whiskey on the rocks. Not exactly a girl drink)
P- “No thanks.”
TB- “Are you sure?”
P- “Yes”.
TB- “How about a drink to loosen you up before you go talk to those guys?”
P- “I don’t need a drink to talk to those guys”
(Beautiful dancer starts stage show)
TB- “You know, that girl is really beautiful. She could run this entire crowd.”
P- “OK… what’s your point?”
TB- “You better get out there and start trying to get dances before she gets off stage.”
P- “I have done dances with almost everyone here.”
TB- “I’m just saying. She’s really beautiful.”

At this point, I wondered why the hell I sat with the toxic bachelor for as long as I did. The point of his existence is non-existent. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pointless. He sucks at life. If you or someone you know has become a full blown TB, stop what you are doing and just go home. It’s better that way.

1) I was going up the stairs to the dressing room when a girl I have worked with atleast 50 times introduced herself to me and asked my name. Lesson learned: If a dancer has no clue who you are even after you have talked to her a dozen times, don’t take it personal.

2) It was early on a Monday night and three customers were comfortably seated near the stage. A single man and a couple. Most dancers would assess this situation and go sit with the single man because essentially there is a better chance of getting money out of him. This is exactly what Mona, one of the club’s top hustlers, did. The club’s other top hustler (me), arrived late to the situation because I was screwing around with my iphone in the locker room. I felt stupid for not being on the floor when he came in but I soon got called to stage so I just went ahead and did my thing. As I danced, I noticed the couple was watching me very intently and by the time my second song was over, they had covered me in one dollar bills. I bet I could get a dance out of them, I thought. When I approached their table they told me over and over again how much they loved my show and they were really interesting in getting some private time with me. Low and behold, the three of us ended up in the VIP room doing a very steamy half hour dance. Mona sat with the single guy for hours and ended up getting NOTHING out of him. Lesson learned: Do not underestimate how horny couples can be.

3) A normal Tuesday night. I was relaxing along the back bar when two well dressed men came into the club and took a seat in the far right corner. I approached one of them and we started talking about the normal bullshit. Where are you from? What do you do? Blah blah blah. Come to find out, I was sitting with a very wealthy lawyer who happened to be happily engaged and not a big fan of strip clubs. Apparently his friend dragged him there. I was about to head elsewhere when he told me to stay with him and just drink a glass of wine. He then added that he understands how dancers work and that he would pay me for my time. A half hour later, I had an extra $300 in my garter. Lesson learned: Some men actually do get it.

4) So I am trying to get a new apartment and I am not sure if I got the job I interviewed for. Actually, it’s more like I’m not sure if I even want the job I interviewed for but I tried to get it anyways because I felt I had to. The lady who showed me this apartment has been e-mailing me and asking me if I heard anything. I guess that in order to sign the lease, I need to have a letter from an employer saying I am actually employed. I told her I had heard nothing. I then decided to be honest and tell her that if I didn’t get this particular job, I wouldn’t be out of luck because I have experience with dancing and I would probably do that until I got a “real job”. No response… going on about two days now. Lesson learned: Until you prove otherwise, you are a judgmental asshole.

This weekend proved to be very interesting. Not only did I make great money but I also witnessed two things I have never seen in a strip club before…

A gay couple. I was making my rounds through the room when I saw two men sitting together in the far right corner. As I made my way towards them, I watched one of them put his arm around the other. The other grasped the hand of the one, and the two of them sat there in a rather loving embrace just watching the stage show. Imagine the sound of screeching brakes when I noticed this. What the hell? These guys either lost a bet or they truly have balls of steel.

A new fetish. After chatting with a middle aged man for a little while, I asked him if he would like to do a dance with me. He agreed, then added in a rather discreet manner that he had a “thing” for armpits. Come again? Apparently the smoothness of that area of a woman’s body really turns him on and he was wondering if I would play along with it. I’ve done the foot fetish, the bondage fetish, and the slip fetish, but never an armpit fetish. Maybe I slept through that lesson in stripper school. We eventually made our way the private dance area and that is when he told me there was no need for me to remove my clothes. All he wanted me to do was raise my arms near his face and touch that area while slowly dancing to the music. OK then. I did as he asked and prayed no one happened to be glancing into my dance room at that time. Can you picture how odd that would’ve looked? A dancer fully clothed sticking her armpits in some dude’s face!? They’d probably still call me a whore.

xoxo

ROUND 1

While I was on stage at the beginning of my shift, I got tipped by a couple of young guys who thought it would be cool to crumple the dollar bills into balls and throw them at me. Despite how utterly annoying this behavior is, I put up with it because the two of them got VIP dances earlier in the night and I thought maybe I could get a piece of that. After my show, I approached one of them, gently put my hands on his shoulder, and asked if I could sit with him. He looked at me with total disgust and said “not really”, making sure to roll his eyes and then continue his conversation with his friend.

ROUND 2

By now, it’s about one in the morning and it seems every girl is having a great night but me. I thought I could change my luck by sitting with a guy that was all by himself and completely intoxicated. We chatted for a little bit, did two single dances, and when we returned to his table, I began to tell him all about the VIP dance. He immediately asked if we would be “touching privates” back there and when I told him no, he completely shut down. Thinking this guy wanted nothing more to do with me, I told him I was going to mingle around for a little bit and that I would be back to hang out with him later. He agreed. A little while later, I noticed him tipping a girl on stage so I decided to say hi again and see if he changed his mind about the dance. When he sat down, I approached his chair and as I was about to sit on his lap, he told me not to. When I turned towards him, he said, “I am hanging out with Angelina when she comes off stage. You snooze you lose!” then raised his hand for a high five. The two of them spent an hour in the VIP.

ROUND 3

2:30 in the morning. I am walking past a group of guys who were on their way out and one of them thought it would be hilarious to pull the string on my bikini top. When he did, the whole thing fell down and I immediately covered myself with my arms. Then, I proceeded to rip into him like I have never ripped into a customer before. I told him what he did was not funny and to never do it again along with mentioning the word “asshole” a couple times. In his drunken state, he just laughed at me and continued out the door.

Sometimes, things just get boring. You get bored with your apartment. Your wardrobe. Your car. You get bored with the people in your life. This feeling is practically inevitable, no matter how stimulating someone or something was to begin with. Basically, in the end, nothing is ever good enough. What an evil trick our brain plays on us. I have no idea how to deal with this in real life but in the strip club world, a regular and I came up with a fun little game to play to spice things up. A little background info… this man originally caught my eye because he did not pay attention to me right away. A battle that is easily won is something I am bored with. Instead, he would relax, drink his drinks, and do dances with the girls that he liked. I became determined to be one of these girls so when I finally got him in the lap dance room, I took my time and made sure he had a great experience. The next time he was in, we had an encore performance and the rest was history from there. I had a customer I could rely on on dead Tuesday nights and he had a dancer he could rely on for a sweet, sexy lap dance. Who says the customer should be the only one called a “regular”? Anyways, we did this for months and one night, out of the blue, we decided to pretend to be different people. To role play. It started out as a funny joke but then we both realized how much fun we could have with it. I started the game by pretending I was in the military and that I was being shipped off to Iraq the next day. The strip club was my last ditch effort to release all of my sexual tension before heading to the desert. He loved it. The next time we hung out, he told me this incredibly entertaining story about his life as a bank robber.  Later, I pretended to be a girl lashing out at her overly religious family. Not only did it make us laugh, but it also put a sexy twist on our otherwise normal, sensual lap dances. We could pretend to be different people, which is essentially the purpose of the gentleman’s club. To escape from reality and enter a world of fantasy and fun. Atleast this is my take on its purpose. So if you are a dancer and you are looking to try something new with a customer, I definitely recommend something like this. The game can only work with a regular who knows you well though. If you try it with some random guy, everyone will think you are schizophrenic. I would say this is a bad thing, but it probably turns someone on out there.

When you work in a movie theater, it is completely gross to discover a used condom on the floor. If you are a sales associate at a popular clothing store, it can be quite horrific to find an inexplicable blood stain on a brand new pair of pants. People who work in preschools, veterinary hospitals, and nursing homes have to deal with snot, shit, drool, piss, etc..  There are also garbage collectors and butchers. Let’s face it… certain jobs can be very yucky. Exotic dancing, of course, is no exception. Being a sales associate or a nurse, however, is far more socially acceptable than working in a strip club. This is why they are described as “dedicated” and “patient”, while we are just drug addicted sluts. I know I have been fixated on stereotypes lately and those who have kept up with my latest life events hopefully understand why. But I really just can’t stand how narrow-minded people are. It completely pisses me off. Here are a list of some of the grossest things I have encountered while working as an exotic dancer.

Vomit. Once in a while, some asshole will get so wasted that he just throws up all over the place. Sometimes it happens in the middle of a lap dance (I was a witness, not a victim) and other times it happens right out on the floor (My shoe was a victim, everyone else was a witness). No matter what, it is unbelievably disgusting. Guys, if you can’t handle your liquor, drink juice with me. Yeah, I’m a stripper that drinks juice at work. Rock on.

Sweat. Because exotic dancing involves some physical contact between two bodies, a heat begins to develop. Usually the man is more sensitive to the hotter temperature than the woman and he is more likely to start perspiring. A little bit is OK. When I see beads of sweat falling down his forehead and wet stains forming under his arms, I begin to gag. Especially when it is happening five minutes into an hour long VIP dance.

Spit. I know how cool it must look to lick a dollar bill and smack it against a stripper’s ass in front of all your old college buddies. First of all, that money has more germs on it than a Wal-Mart toilet seat. Second of all, do you really think we want your nasty spit anywhere on our skin? Thankfully I was only a witness to this event as well. But seriously, strangers putting their spit on other strangers is DISGUSTING.

I get asked all the time whether customers get off from a lap dance. I guess it just depends on the guy. Sometimes, a nice grinding is all he needs. Other times, he is pulling your hand down towards his crotch so you “get the hint” that he wants some manual action. I got it loud and clear, buddy. I am not the kind of girl who’s lap dance pitch line involves the word “cum”. Instead, I keep it classy, sexy, and I never say anything I don’t intend to go through with. I think this is the way it should be.

On a random note, I am also grossed out by moldy food and the smell of hospitals. Also, dogs who have not been neutered.

As a dancer in a club, you are entirely responsible for how much money you make in a night. Sometimes, you get approached by a guy who is interested in taking you back for some VIP time. Other times, you ask every single customer in the club and not one of them wants a private dance from you. Basically when you start your shift every night, you are staring into the unknown. Will you get lucky? Or will you have to hear “no” or “come back later” over and over again? Should you sit with this guy? Or should you see if that guy is willing to spend some money? And then there is the idea of actually working together with another dancer. Men usually come into a club and expect some one-on-one time with a girl they find very attractive. Is inserting another girl into the equation a good idea or something to be avoided? Here are some recent experiences I have had with teamwork.

Dani and I approached two men who were talking quietly amongst each other. Business partners from North Carolina, they were happy to be interrupted by two half naked girls asking to sit on their laps. The four of us talked for a while, mostly about travel and the club. They also made sure to tell us that we were the prettiest dancers they had seen all night. The compliments and the smooth conversation paved the way to the private dance area where I soon found myself. Grinding. Teasing. Pleasing. My business partner was absolutely smitten with me, but not to the extent that the other man was with Dani. I returned to the floor after one $30 dance to find the two of them still going at it, so I just concluded that she sat with the richer guy and that it was just dumb luck. A few songs later, they emerged looking very relaxed. The four of us were reunited and that is when the other guy said something that made me shoot Dani a “look”… “Hey man, can you believe I got four songs for the price of one? This girl have me a hell of a deal.” So there I sat, the bitch that did one song for $30. Talk about awkward. The club takes $5 from every single dance so if Dani did do four for the price of one, she only made $10 for her time with him. I made $25. I politely left the table a few minutes later and focused on finding a new customer… alone.

I was sitting with a group of men one night when a dancer named Angela approached me. She whispered in my ear that she was sitting with a guy who had just gotten divorced and was looking for some company. Why she picked me to hang out with them, I’m not sure, but I willfully left the deadbeats I had been sitting with to investigate this lonely customer she had found. The two of us sat on either side of him and chatted with him while he was eating his calamari. My idea of chatting is asking him where he lives and what he does for a living. Angela apparently prefers to unbutton his shirt and pinch his nipples while asking him ten different times if he wants a dance in the VIP room. It became obvious that our styles were completely different when working with customers and I began to grow incredibly anxious. This guy was undoubtedly going to get fed up with her harassing him while he was trying to eat and would probably leave and never come back. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Soon after he finished his food, he brought both of us in the VIP room for a double half hour ($350 per dancer). My idea of a dance is sensual, slow movements mixed with some grinding, lots of eye contact as well as massage and hot breathes in the neck area. Angela, however, felt the need to grab his crotch, let him peek underneath her thong, and shove her nipples in his mouth. She kept saying over and over again how much she wished she could have his “big cock” down her throat and that she wanted him to not be so “shy”. With all that talk, it’s no wonder we didn’t get raped back there. Thankfully he was a total gentleman and didn’t fall for her mindless banter, something he told me made him really uncomfortable when she left for a smoke break after the dance. It made me uncomfortable too. The customer then said that I was more his “type” and that he would be back with two grand to spend on me in the beginning of May. CHA CHING.

Even though working as a team can be quite lucrative, I think it is a bad idea in general. Every girl has a different way of pitching the dance, performing, and conversing with the customers. Combining two different styles can create some uncomfortable moments for everyone involved. Also, you run the risk of totally burning him out to the point where if he sees one more set of boobs, he may spontaneously combust. This is obviously not good for business. My advice… keep it one-on-one and save the threesomes for porn.

Once upon a time, I had this regular named Georgio. He was a heavy set man, 100% Italian, very sweet and romantic, and he always stopped into the club once a week to see me. This was usually on a Tuesday. We would play Erotic Photo Hunt on the “video crack machine”, then he would give me a shoulder massage, and then we would go shoot a game of pool. After the game, he would take me in the back room for three dances and promptly leave afterward, but never forgetting to give me a huge hug and say “Ciao Bella.” Any interruption in this process really annoyed him so I had to make sure I scheduled a good-sized block of time for him.

At the same time Georgio was in my life, there was Paul. Paul was the best regular I have ever had in my life. He tipped me hundreds on stage, brought me roses almost every time he was in the club, and he would buy dance after dance after dance with me. He stayed there most of the night when he did show and anytime I had a free minute, I always made sure to spend time with him. He loved to cuddle and hold hands, so I made sure he had this experience in addition to my undivided attention. He was one of my most important customers.

Bill was in the picture too. He was a truck driver and he only came in once a month, maybe one every couple of months just to see me. Due to his ever changing schedule, it was hard to find a night for him to come in, but when we did figure it out, Bill wouldn’t think twice to the thought of buying 10-15 dances with me. He and I would sit back there and not only did I dance for him, but we had the best conversations as well. We talked about life and how stupid it was and we just laughed about everything. Not only did he fill my pockets, but he was great company as well.

Pop quiz, hot shot. There’s three men in a strip club. Once the dancer enters the floor, their attention is on her. If she ignores any of them, she runs this risk of losing money. What does she do? What does she do?

1. If I make eye contact with any of them upon entered the floor, I wave in their direction and smile.

2. Depending on the seating arrangement, the first person I would talk to is Paul. He is the one that will most likely stick around all night and he is also the one with gifts. I receive the flowers, then explain to him that I have a couple other guys to talk to and that I can’t wait to spend the “real fun” with him later on. He agrees to being patient.

3. The next person I talk to is Bill. Because he is only in the club once a month, it is crucial that I spend time with him. I welcome him, ask him how work is, and tell him over and over how much I’ve missed his company. I then explain to him that there is one dance I have to take care of before spending time with him and I won’t be more than 10 minutes. This is a teeny, tiny lie.

4. I then arrive to Georgio. He is the one that leaves the earliest and he is important to me because he helps me make my weekday goal, particularly on Tuesdays. He may not spend the most but his repeat schedule is something I can depend on. Plus he gives a great massage. As we play our video games and pool, I try and move things along as briskly as possible. I try and put alot of emphasis on how excited I am to dance for him that particular evening to get him to take me back there sooner than usual. Alot of times it works.

5. Of course three dances and playing a couple games is longer than ten minutes, which is how long Bill thought I would be gone. After my time with Georgio is up, I approach him and tell him how sorry I am. I tell him that the “customer” (Using the first names of other men suggests I am close with other men. You want the guy you are spending time with to feel like the only one you care about) kept me busy for longer than I thought he would. Bill is cool with this so after a brief chat, we head to the lap dance room.

6. Paul’s estimated wait time is about two hours. The only reason he goes last is because his time schedule is most flexible. Plus I am confident he would sit there for six hours if he knew he eventually got to spend time with me. The only thing I would be missing out on is stage time, where Paul tips me $100 dollar bills. That can be easily made up though.

7. Bill leaves. I approach Paul and tell him how appreciative I am that he waited for so long. Because I’ve spent the majority of my time in the back room, I am put on stage almost immediately. This is when I get my tips. After that, Paul and I head to the lap dance room for a little one-on-one time. We stay as long as his wallet permits.

Juggling regulars can be a tough thing to do, but it is not impossible. The key is to acknowledge the men that are specifically there to see you and let them know that you have not forgotten about them. Also keep in mind when these men prefer to arrive and leave and from how far they are coming from. Your understanding of their situation furthers your appeal which makes them more likely to stop in and see you when they can. Play it cool and always stay one step ahead.