that Buck Cherry song
Chances are, when you go to the strip club, you will see a dancer that has had one two many drinks. She may be overly friendly. She may bitch you out. There is also the possibility of her knocking you over with beer breath when she lets out the inevitable “Hi… what’s your name?”. This dancer will NEVER be me. Not because I think it is unprofessional, unsexy, and completely obnoxious (I 100% do), but because I have no idea how alcohol will affect me in the strip club setting. Will I be the girl smiling too much? Will I be pinching customer’s nipples and laughing uncontrollably at really bad jokes? How about a nice face plant on stage… I wouldn’t put that one past me. And then, there is the possibility of me actually killing someone. Once in a great while, a customer gets me so angry that it takes every ounce of my sober energy not to wrap my fingers around his neck and make him see God. Of course this is just a sick little fantasy. I am only a man-hating, homicidal maniac on Tuesdays. Other days of the week, like Friday and Saturday, are times when I go out with friends and usually get a little tipsy. There is lots of laughter. Sometimes a new friend or two. Maybe a stage to dance on that doesn’t involve the removal of clothing. Just good times and good people… until you push my buttons. I may be tiny without the ability to intimidate even a lady bug but when someone says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time, I just snap. Like last night for example…
Jealousy can make people truly evil. I write about the insane antics of jealous dancers all the time and it only makes them look weak in the end. I have no sympathy for such a tragic character flaw. I do have sympathy, however, for my friend that is visiting me from out of town. Let’s call her Erica. Erica and I met in college and I was immediately drawn to her outgoing, fun personality. We made our otherwise boring classes go by fast with lots of inside jokes and funny stories. I truly fell in love with everything about her. One thing that was apparent from the very beginning was that Erica was extremely self conscious about her weight. She always made awkward comments about how fat she was and that no man would ever love her. Of course I disagreed and honestly meant it, but no person could ever convince her that she was beautiful. I tried and I tried but I always ended up failing. Last night, we got dressed up in really hot outfits and headed to the neighborhood club for a little night out on the town. After a couple of strong mixed drinks, the room began to spin and there was nothing the two of us didn’t find hilarious. We danced and we sang and we even found a stage to dance on all in a matter of 45 minutes. It was shaping up to be a perfect night out with a good friend… until a really hot guy hit on me. We were taking a breather from all the fun when he approached me from out of no where and began talking to me. There was an instant connection and no sooner than I could blink, he pulled me out on the dance floor and the two of us began breaking it down Dirty Dancing style. I was in absolute heaven. He smelled good, he was in great physical shape, and he knew how to move… a deadly combination if you are looking to get my attention. I only stayed with him for a minute or so because I didn’t want to leave Erica by herself and when I returned to the table, I was dying to know if she caught a glimpse of he and I grinding with each other. After being given what was quite possibly the dirtiest look on earth, she turned her head away from me and continued watching the dance floor. OK then. A few minutes later, the hot guy returned and after acknowledging me with a hug, he introduced himself to her and the two of them began chatting. He left again and she told me that she told him she would leave the two of us alone so we could go have sex somewhere. WHAT! Flashback time. Crazy bitch Susan and her delusional idea of me fucking her boyfriend. Crazy bitch Riley and the threats she posted on my locker. Crazy bitch Nina (PERIOD) My sweet friend Erica had fallen into the crazy bitch category and I completely and totally lost it. I stormed out of the bar and when she followed me, I turned around and I let her have it. Yes people, I was the girl screaming at another girl outside of a bar. Real typical. Basically if the situation was different and the guy hit on her, I would be expected to take pictures of them dancing, ask every detail about him, and sit around while they made out for an hour. When the guy talks to me, I get nothing but dirty looks and snide comments. I said all of this but made it as mean as possible, making sure to throw in some “how dare you’s” and some “I can’t believe you’s”. My angry, drunk ass then stormed down the street, tripping over side walk cracks, swinging my purse dramatically, trying to answer a text. I was a fucking hurricane. Erica lingered behind and when I got to my apartment complex, I held the door for her but continued my walk of rage all the way to the 6th floor. It was here where the storms calmed and I passed out in exactly what I was wearing in a position that suggested I actually did screw the hot guy. The next morning was awkward and all that was mentioned about the previous night was an “I’m sorry” from her. I never accepted it but I didn’t act pissy the entire next day either. There was really no point.
So here I sit, writing this absurdly long blog post about a rather absurd evening, and all I can hear is the soft breathing of my friend. Erica. She is sleeping on my bed and every time some idiot blasts his horn or slams on his brakes, she awakens with the intensity of an on-call firefighter. Country girls… ha! I glance over every time she shuffles and I can’t help but feel overwhelming guilt for the reaction I had last night. She didn’t deserve that rage. Susan did. So did Riley and Nina. But I held it all in and took it out on a loved one who unintentionally tapped into her own inner demons at the very same time I did. God damn booze. But if we weren’t drunk, would we have just fantasized about strangling each other? Was it even necessary to show our true emotions? Or is this… how crazy bitches are born?
April 24th, 2010 at 6:29 am
The “hot/not-as-hot” friend pairings are tricky. Add alcohol to the mix and things become downright flammable. The same dynamic plays out with guys also except I call that the “hunk/not-so-hunk” friend pairing.
People are always secretly envious of those better looking. The better looking person always gets more attention from the opposite sex and that simply reinforces the envy. Any happiness they feel for their friend can be washed away by alcohol and the reminder a stranger gives by choosing to approach the better looking of the pair.
I have a friend like this. Movie star looks. When we go out together, women flock to him. I can’t help but feel a little jealousy and I feel petty about that.
Sometimes a great evening turns on a dime and you wonder “how the hell did that happen?”. It happened to me last night. It involved the lady I am (was?) seeing and a story that’s been in the paper the last few days. The club I’ve gone to is a chain. They have this truck with a Plexiglas box on the back. There are poles in the box and you can watch dancers doing their routines. This truck travels around to advertise and they were in Baltimore a week or so ago. Well, it drew attention all right. Articles in the paper and a video on youtube. (I’m tempted to post the links). We were discussing this and I’d mentioned I’d been to the club. Total female shutdown. She thinks it’s perfectly fine for the gays to celebrate their sickness in public but if a guy wants to watch a beautiful woman dance, there’s something wrong? WTF? Maybe I’m the one losing my mind.
“absurdly long posts”.
There is no such thing. The longer the better as far as I’m concerned.
This morning, I’ll quote a favorite writer:
“I look forward”.
Dan
April 24th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Forgot to mention this when I posted earlier but I don’t remember a Riley. Maybe she was mentioned in one of the earlier posts on the old RFG. I remember a Raven or Raisin – the one who used to throw spices around for good luck. I’d have to go with Raven on this. Raisin doesn’t sound like a good dancer name.
But I like Raisin’s.
Dan
April 24th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Dan,
I mentioned Riley very briefly in an old RFG post. She made my life miserable at one of my clubs and wrote stupid notes on my locker.
TG
April 24th, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Dan,
I know that jealously is a very common human emotion. I become jealous of some of my friends from time to time but I never ever act on it. Seems like you don’t either. I think the envy that the dancers portray is a totally different type than Erica. They wouldn’t think twice about hurting me while my friend would have my back no matter how jealous she was of me. What I wonder is if friendships can survive the ups and downs of self esteem. Have you ever not wanted to hang out with your friend because of the way he attracts people? Sometimes it is all about charisma and confidence.
TG
April 24th, 2010 at 5:00 pm
Dan, so quit hanging out with studs. Or just hang around and pick up his leftovers?! Ya jealousy is a difficult thing if you let it get to you.
So your girl didn’t approve of a man going to a club even if he is a respecable dude? Better off without out an attitude like that.
April 25th, 2010 at 3:58 am
Even though I feel a twinge of jealousy sometimes, I’d never act on it. He’s my friend and I’d always have his back. No, I’ve never wanted to “not hang out” with him. As a matter of fact, Butch’s joke about picking up his leftovers isn’t far from the truth. Except they’re not leftovers. My friend is better looking and he makes me suffer with the pace he sets when we ride bikes but I have him beat in the personality category. So him drawing women over is a good thing. They’re attracted to him initially but then I get attention after they’ve heard both of us speak.
I think most friendships do survive self-esteem issues. I don’t know why some do and some don’t though.
“So your girl didn’t approve of a man going to a club”
No. The story about the “stripper-mobile” (that’s what the media called it) made a big splash. I guess there hasn’t been much real stuff for them to report. Someone took a 30 second video of it and uploaded it to youtube. There’s nothing to see – just dancers in a box on the back of this truck. What got people stirred up was that this truck was parked outside of the baseball stadium as people were leaving after the game. Several people emailed the newspaper about how inappropriate it was for their kids to see it.
We were at dinner the other night and we overheard someone mention the story. I thought it would be a good time to broach the subject. What I got was “I don’t know how people can go to places like that”. The rest of the meal passed quietly.
“Better off without out an attitude like that.”
Yeah. I’m wondering the same thing. We don’t see eye to eye on a few things. I don’t remember how I hooked this halibut but maybe it’s time to throw her back.
Dan
April 25th, 2010 at 10:49 am
From Cris Rock Never Scared
“Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, “Fuck that bitch, ” “Fuck that bitch.” Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, “Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that.” If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes “I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it.” Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.”
April 25th, 2010 at 6:55 pm
My experience if you are hanging with a group of good looking guys, it attracts a group of good looking girls. The better looking the guy(s) the better, even if they are better looking then me.
April 26th, 2010 at 7:13 am
Dan, At least you hook a halibut. Now try for the most elusive fish in the sea, a Snapper!
T’Nova-When your not pounding off a quick one before work you make an occassional excellent point about the difference in men and women when meeting someone’s new mate. Guys will be like ya wow good job she is hot I need to find a girl like that. Women are catty and will talk behind the other girls back and try to figure ways to fuck it up.
April 26th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
“Now try for the most elusive fish in the sea, a Snapper!”
“T’Nova-When your not pounding off a quick one before work”
LOL….the halibut is history. Back in the hunt. Yeah, there’s definitely a difference between how men and women approach the dating/mating game. T’Nova’s probably rubbed himself raw. The skin flute needs a little down-time occasionally.
The Capt is missing. He’s probably sweating bullets now that Stephanie is close to posting. There’s no way to close Pandora’s box. He’s created a monster.
The cat is wearing a dunce cap for flunking “Moderating 101″.
Dan
April 27th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Dan made a good point somewhere about him hanging out with someone in a higher stud class. He stated that if the better looking dude attracted a swarm of women over to their table then that is good because then he could have his personality shine thru and then meet up with women.
I think he means that while most women will be immediately attracted to the “better looking dudes” once they find out he has little personality then they may see the charms of a Dan. I guess this is true since you see an awful lot of hot women hooked up with average looking guys.
Also I had some better looking friends who attracted most of the women but they knew not to get too cocky because after receiving a punch to the face they wern’t looking too good so they knew to share the wealth.. This happened once to me when I was a little better looking than one of my friends and we were out talking to some women partying at some night club and for some reason me and my friend got into a fight and I happened to bloody him up pretty good. Well that made the girl we were probably fighting over like him more because she probably felt bad for him.
So morale of the story is to let someone beat you up in front of a hot girl and she will like you more! It will only cost you some blood!
April 28th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Oh shit, two posts in a row. Now that’s getting to Dan status! I was going to mention this before but if you read the post above from TG she unknowingly coined another nickname for herself.
She said “I was a fucking hurricane” So now I will call The Phoenix “Hurricane Phoenix! Now that is one powerful name….
And I guess I better try and get Isabel to comment some day now that Capt Fudd got Stephanie or Victoria or whatever Fudd is making her call herself now to comment. she does read the site but some of the comments she doesn’t like too much, but I told her if it comes down to her or RFG I will certainly kick her to the curb in a heart beat..
April 28th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
“then they may see the charms of a Dan.”
Thanks man. I’d like to think I have some personality but I’m in no way conceited about it. I can’t afford to be. But personality is definitely an equalizer. I think before you are born, you get to ask God for brains or looks. If you choose looks, God shaves a few IQ points off the brain box. If you choose brains, God picks your features from the Mr. Potato Head shelf.
Then there are people that have beauty and brains. Somehow they get to choose whatever they want before they’re born. These people must have done wonderful things in their past lives. Either that or God is expecting them to do wonderful things in THIS life.
“let someone beat you up in front of a hot girl and she will like you ”
Haha…this happened to me once. I got bloodied trying to stick up for a woman and we stayed together for 5 years.
“Oh shit, two posts in a row. Now that’s getting to Dan status!”
To quote the snitch, “that was uncalled for” =). Yeah, hurricane is probably a good phrase for when Tara gets into a tizzy. I’ve used a reference before from an old cartoon – “the Tasmanian Devil”. That little guy used to spin around in a frenzy and kick up all kinds of dust.
“now that Capt Fudd got Stephanie or Victoria or whatever Fudd is making her call herself now to comment”
I haven’t seen anything yet but I think the Capt is trying to do damage control. Stephanie is running loose and the Capt is sweating like a race horse. Who knows what kind of Capt fetishes Stephanie is about to expose? The mind reels.
“I told her if it comes down to her or RFG I will certainly kick her to the curb in a heart beat”
I just made this decision with the halibut but it wasn’t the only reason things ended. In a way I’m glad cause I get to see my favorite lady in a couple of weeks. Is a short term fantasy better than a (potentially) longer term reality? Looking one month into the future, I go with the short term fantasy. My favorite lady is so very beautiful in my eyes. She takes my breath away.
Dan
May 8th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Hey I am single tonight, Tabitha and Isabel are going out. lol. Seriously though I am going to a party, but not just any party. The waitress who got fired recently is having a birthday today so I was invited to go to this house that will have several ex-dancers of this club they all used to work at.
So right now I know it’s Butch and at least six ex/current dancers and one ex-waitress. I am sure there will be some more people there but if I can limit to that line up it will be a very interesting evening.
I am going to try to top the good captain,,,,,,,,,
May 9th, 2010 at 2:49 am
“I am going to a party, but not just any party”
She gets a Happy Birthday wish from me for throwing the drink in her bosses face. Hope you guys had a great time.
Ya, it’s hard to top the Capt right now but we’ll have to see how long he can walk the tightrope. One slip-up and Stephanie will be slicing and dicing the good Capt like a fillet.
Dan
May 20th, 2010 at 7:34 am
Strip club fun gone array. So after a real shit week I decide last night to go get liquored up at my local club. When I arrived around 8 there was an ex bouncer who is a rather large man about 6′ 300 pounds who was already drunk. He is real crazy when he drinks. There was also another “regular” who had been banned for a month for trying to choke a bartender but I guess is let back in now. He is also a large man and is 5′9″ 280 pounds.
They were playing one of our club games called Bangcock. Ask someone whats’s the capital of Thailand? When they asnwer Bangcock you bang them in the cock. These two were wrestling around and each kneed each other square in the family jewels and both dropped to one knee. This is in front of the crowd of about 20 customers and about 10 dancers. Since I am only a little guy 5′10″ 170 pounds I used my quickness to stay an arm length away from these bufoons.
I even went out to my car and retrieved my cup and put it on. I then let them hit me in the nuts which hurt their hands but it still hurt a little even with the cup. They continued to get drunker and drunker as the night progressed and several times they put each other in sleeper choke holds and were just fucking with everyone.
There was this young dude about 22 who is the friend of one of the bartenders sons who was real obnoxious and kept pulling up his shirt showing us his abs. Most of the dancers were thinkin he was a stud because of his build. One of the drunk big dudes grabbed the kid and planted a full mouth kiss on him with his big beard. The kid was pissed but what the fuck was he going to do?? So later I was talking to one of the dancers I have known for a couple years, just chillin and talking about life. So this kid trys to interupt us so he can talk to this girl, he grabs her arm arm and turns her around in her chair towards him.
Ok enough playin around. So I told him to get the fuck away from us and he pulls up his shirt and shows me his stomach again? I said hey let me see that sissy six pack again. He said something and starts doing a little dance in front of me and pulls up his shirt again-big mistake I drilled him with a hard right punch right in the bread basket and he drops to the floor gasping for breath. He is lucky he knows the bartender so I didn’t finish the job with a kick to the head as he was on his knees in front of me. I just said your lucky you little prick. After he finally caught his breath He finally got up and left the club as everyone had a good laugh.
Funny but all the girls who thought he was so cool before now didn’t think much of him. I just love teaching people about life. I bet he keeps his shirt down now!!
May 21st, 2010 at 3:45 am
Bangcock! That’s funny. A friend did something close to me not long ago. He was trying to get me to say the word “cock” and when I did, I got what he called a “tapper” – a light slap to my package. After the 1st slap, I was like WTF? He says “sorry, didn’t mean to hit you there”. A few minutes later, he gets me to say cock again and I get another tapper. WTF? And he’s lol and that’s when he tells me it’s called a tapper. Probably not a game you want to play with strangers. Actually it’s not a game you even want to play with friends.
The little shit was rude for interrupting you and the girl. And then he dances in front of you? Man, he was asking for it. Glad you gave it to him.
I guess I should be glad the club I go to is pretty tame. Never seen a fight break out. Never had a guy come over to interrupt me if I was talking to a dancer. One time I got to the club and my favorite lady was talking to someone else so I just waited until she was free. Why would a guy jump into a conversation like that? It would probably piss off the two people talking. It’s only happened once or twice that another dancer came over to inject herself into the conversation I was having. I don’t know how they think that’s a good thing.
I did see a guy get thrown out once. I don’t know what he did but I saw two bouncers each had one of his arms and were walking him toward the entrance. More like carried him really. I don’t think his feet touched the ground much.
It’s interesting you mention a guy getting banned for a month. At regular bars, I never get asked for my drivers license. At the club, they always ask for my license at the door and check it. It takes about 10 seconds. I never thought much about it except to be miffed about standing there a little while. Maybe they keep a list of people who wouldn’t be allowed in. Another thing that’s strange (but may be related now that I think about it) – when I go to VIP, they take both my drivers license and credit card. I’m not allowed into the VIP room yet. They come back a minute later and say it’s ok but they hold onto my license and credit card until VIP time is over.
When I was in VIP the other night, I did what I usually do – slip off my shoes, take off my watch and take stuff (wallet) out of my pockets. I turn off the music cause I want to be able to whisper to her. I dimmed the lights but I guess it was too dim. Before we got settled, someone came in and adjusted the lighting and said we couldn’t turn it any lower. Maybe the “voyeur” watching the video couldn’t see well enough with the low lighting.
Another thing I noticed last time – all the staff have these wireless gizmos that let them talk to each other. I’d seen that before but it never registered until this last visit. I also learned a lot of rules I never knew about VIP. I just knew what my favorite lady told me previously. But there was a manager in training who wanted to go through the whole spiel before we could go into VIP. I started to say I knew the rules but the manager said she was in training and asked if she could just go through the rules to help her with her training. So I listened. 90% of what she said, I never knew. My favorite lady never told me those things, probably because they don’t apply for what I like in VIP.
Dan
May 25th, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Dan, what kind of clubs do you hang out at? They ask to hold your license and credit cards, what do they think your going to steal the dancer?
Slipping off shoes requires that you make sure the feet are clean and smelling good. If you take your wallet out make sure the hamsters don’t nibble thru it.
May 27th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Butch –
Glad to see you’re here. Been wondering what you’ve been up to.
T’Nova figured out which club I go to here in Baltimore. Check previous comments.
I didn’t pay attention to what happens at my club until recently. Then there were a LOT of new things I learned even though I’d been through the routine before. When you mentioned some guy being banned from your club for a month, something clicked for me and a lot of the things my club does made sense.
They check my id at the door. This makes sense if they keep a list of people who shouldn’t be allowed in. They keep my license and credit card when I’m in VIP in case (I guess) trouble arises. Let’s say I’m a dirtbag and try to run out without paying – they have my license so they can report it to the police. And they have my credit card so they can charge me for the VIP time.
They have video monitoring in VIP and should I mistreat a dancer, not only do they have a video record of it, they have my drivers license and credit card.
My club is a chain with clubs in a dozen or so cities across the US. I never thought about it before but it makes perfect sense. They have to protect the dancers.
As far as slipping off my shoes, I never go to the club without showering and shaving first. Yeah, it’s like purfuming a pig – you can make the pig smell nice but it’s still a pig – but it’s all I can do. Even if I didn’t shower first, I don’t have a problem with foot odor.
As far as emptying my pockets, I trust the hamster (my favorite lady) I’m with. She could take my (Movado) watch, wallet and keys if she wanted. But that would be like her killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.
I guess it’s possible my hamster is in cahoots with the other hamsters. But I’ve not been so absorbed that I don’t notice when someone enters the room.
Now if there were three hamsters in the room….I probably wouldn’t notice if Jesus Christ made an appearance
Dan